The most important walk you'll ever take is one you take with yourself. I'm referring to your spiritual walk, and as I walk I am left wanting. There is so much more to be desired. I was born pagan and raised in the christian church. It's amazing how dificult unlearning can be. I have somewhat realized/acknowledged that how I was raised will never be totally erased. Sence I do believe that everything happeneds for a reason I will count that as a good thing.
As I listen to people try to explain God/gods to me I find myself more and more realized. How dare anyone preceive they have some greater understanding than me. I count this as my omittion that I am not trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking, but these are things that I have decided to be true. Sometimes the most important things to believe in may or may not be true but should be believed nontheless.
For example, people are for the most part good. As long as we don't categorize people/peoples as "evil" we can overcome our differences, or in a more basic example, create strong arguements against atrosities. The "holy war" which in itself constitues a contridiction in terms can be avoided only if both sides can identify the human element in eachother.
In much the same way but on a different frequency I believe in the norse gods. My ancestors believed in them, and my belief in them has much to do with my belief in myself. Thor lives within me, I walk with Odin, I love Freya, and I look up to Baulder much like a elder brother or mentor.
When I first approached Odin I was not yet sure of his existence, but I approached him anyway, filled with uncertainty. It was a cold night, I walked out in the back yard with a horn full of Stone Russian Imperial Stout (both purchased long ago) and saw a full moon surrounded by clouds forming an eye shape. Something inspired me to speak to Odin and I did, quite honestly. Not even sure of his existance I spoke out-loud and again spoke quite honestly. I spoke full of uncertainty and when the clouds moved on concealing the moon I felt uterly regected. This was my first clue that this was real and I poured out. I admit I was searching for affirmation, but proclaim that it came. As the clouds shifted a face formed, with a large beard and mustach wearing a helm and the moon again formed in place an eye. No other affirmation will I ever desire. I count this as my "hit by the hammer" moment and the gods have been walking with me ever sense.
The vows I've made have been pointed and full of clauses. I look forward to being enough knowlegeable to make a more profound vow, but this is where I am at the moment. My current quest is for fellowship, specifically in the asatru community. I have access to knowledge, what I lack is spiritual community.
My passion is understanding what this whole religion thing is all about. I can't helpl but laugh when people refer to Wiccans as the catholics of the pagan community. I find this funny because catholics, atleast eastern othodox, I find to be the pagans of the christian community. One of my most cherished moments in my coming out of the broom closet period was a conversation I had with a good catholic friend of mine about lord of the rings. His protestant friends refer to the "gods" in that mythology as "angelic beings (with the power to create life and spin fate)" These perentices are here for a reason, it's the way they talk. Christian constantly remind me that Tolkien was a devout catholic and he was a large part of Lewis' (athiest) conversion to christianity. Is it so hard to understand that Tolkien although a devout catholic was incapable of writing polythiestic literature. This gave me a awesome moment to expose my beliefs with my trusted friend, and constructively critized the monster sitting in the chair of christ. Ya know.. catholics are pretty pagan, the robes, the incence, speaking a language nobody except them understands. Catholics have a firm understanding of the value of ritual (most anyway). And do you recall in genesis right before they get kicked out of the garden "God" says, "behold the man has become like us." Us being the word I'm pointing out here, hebrew/christian faith had some strong anchorings in polytheism that are to often overlooked. Tolkien fans that refer to middle earth as a land ruled by angels where "God" was unmentioned need to remove the section of the body designed with the function of looking around from the part of the body designed for removing waste. This example is one of millions that rather acurately display the ignorance of thought in christianity.
Alright, now that my blood is flowing. If you think you understand how the universe works, wake up! I was watching TED www.ted.com (go there, way more articulate educated and diverse than my ranting) We have a program for accelerating electrons and bashing them into eachother to try to figure out what was happening during the first .0001 second of the creation of the universe... WOW. If you are not intreged by this you don't have a real interest in how this world operates. Religion has far to much to do with adopting someone else's realization to there own creed. Over billions of years those electrons developed into neutrenos, gamma radiation, lead, gold, life, literature, and even the persuit of self discovery of how it came to be.
In religion, you have three basic models of the universe. The oldest model developed into what we can call the dramatic model from India. Then we have the organic model, with it's oldest models coming from China. Then the construct model, rooted in monothism, originating in the middle east. The construct model has become a foundation of western philosophy. The question of what constructed what constructed the universe is a valid question, not a circular argueement as we are commonly taught. [some of this is learned and reiterated from the late Alan Watts an anglican eastern philosoher I cherish]
I'm arguing something that I have never been taught, if someone else is thinking this too we need to hang out drink some beer and write a book (though I am not qualified for proofreading as you have likely realized already).
These three models support and feed eachother.
The organic model is not to think of the universe as alive (that would be dramatic) but patterned. A game I love playing is, I ask someone Q: "what is an oak desk made of?" A: unanimously "oak wood" here's the fun part, Q: "ok, what is an oak tree made off?" A: (always belaited) "stuff, like minerals" point is oak is a pattern, oak is not the minerals that the wood is made up of. So in short there is form and stuff, stuff takes form and form takes stuff. We don't know if form existed in the creation of the universe but as we look at the radioactive residue of the universes creation (nebulas mainly) we realize quite quickly that form came to be on a profound scale. My favorite nebula is the crab nebula. Forboding, beautiful, and six light years in diameter.
My search for understanding is scatterbriand while focused. The analogy of the tapistry is probubly best. If you zoom in and examine the beauty of individual threads and the way they blend in with eachother you develope a grand understanding of how it came to be and exist but we don't know the picture. To see that picture we have to back up. Personally I believe this happeneds at death. I believe I am immortal, I will have to opportunity to carry or drop my baggage at some point after death. I study intently the threads that make up me and try to understand the threads I have a relationship with.
To extend this analogy I have to use a product of a minority sect of christianity. This sect, (the denomination I do not remmember) believes in the levels of heaven and hell. This is a fairly respected concept in catholicism seeing its parallels with earth limbo purgatory heaven and the eather. Concept is that the greater universe is a sphere with the one "true god" at the center actually being the highest level of heaven. The few worthy cling to God in a cosmic and eternal orgy. Less worthy inhabit the outer layers. Most who ascribe to this theory put the physical realm in which we inhabit in the center with nine layers above and below. I don't know if there are 19 layers or 4 or infinate but if is an analogy I find useful. Much like trying to investigate the creation of the universe to understand how the universe works you need a very strong telescope. I am intreged by the study of that central point, but not inraptured by it. I can see me without any equiptment I don't understand.
to be continued...